This holiday, heal your family rifts

I know that we are not close to the holidays, but I received this letter from a mother who had been cut off by her 28-year-old daughter several years ago:

“I know there is always a chance she could come back to me, but that is a hard way to live just waiting and hoping. I pray for that every night.

Other parents are so defensive and bitter and morally outraged that you feel protective of the child who had to grow up in the home where those feelings were played out.

Many parents want their estranged child to see the situation from their perspective, but haven’t done the hard work of seeing it from the child’s.

Who wants to say, “I don’t have a picture of my grandchildren because I’ve never met my grandchildren” or “I haven’t the faintest idea how my son is because he won’t return my calls and he sends back all of my presents unopened.”

Here are some suggestions for talking with your parents about incidents that have hurt or angered you.

1. Pick a time and place that feels comfortable to you where you can talk without interruption.

2. Tell your parent(s) what you would like from the conversation: “I would like to tell you some feelings I have” or “I just want you to try to listen and not respond.”

3. If possible, begin the conversation with something you like or admire about your parent to show that your goal isn’t to humiliate them:

“I know that you really care about me ...” or “I know you worked hard to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I really appreciate that ...”

4. Put your feelings into words that don’t place blame: “I still feel very hurt for all of those years when you were physical with me.

It really made me feel like I was a bad person” or “When you talk to me in that tone of voice, it makes me feel terrible.”

5. Assume that your parents have positive intentions:

“I know you wouldn’t want me to feel this bad and that you care about our relationship” or “I know you probably want to work as hard as I do to make our relationship better than it’s been” or “I understand that you might not have known how bad that felt to me.”

6. Say what you need in order to go forward: “I just need to hear you say that you’re sorry for those years” or “I want you to call me more” or “I just need you to hear how bad that made me feel.”

To the parent:

1. If your child complains about you or your parenting, try to see that he or she may be raising these issues as a way to be closer to you, even if they are being expressed in a way that’s difficult to hear.

2. Don’t sugarcoat it if you blew it as a parent. The more honest you are, the more credibility you will gain to repair the damage:

“What you’re saying is true. I wasn’t there for you as a parent. I was too caught up in my work and my drinking, and you suffered because of it.

I can’t ever give you back those years and I feel terrible about that. I am committed to doing everything I can to make it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

3. If you find yourself feeling too upset or defensive to listen, tell them that in a gentle way: “I know what you’re telling me is really important and I’m glad you came to me with it.

It is hard for me to hear and I think I’ll be able to digest it better if I could first read it in a letter. I promise I’ll call you so we can talk about it. I hope that feels okay.”

4. Validate their reality as much as you can, even if there’s only a small part you agree with: “Yeah, I can be really impatient.

I can see how that could have come across as uncaring.” If you’re unable to agree with anything that’s being said, empathize with their feelings without telling them they’re wrong:

“I’m so sorry it came across that way. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel like I didn’t love you. That must have been awful for you.”

5. Take the initiative for talking again within a short period of time. “I wanted to check in to see how you felt about our talk last week.

I really appreciate that you told me what you’d been feeling. Have you had other thoughts about it?”

This may need to be an ongoing dialogue for a long time in order for change and healing to occur. Don’t avoid revisiting it because it’s painful territory.

Show that you want to keep talking about it until there’s resolution.

If there is no resolution, make it clear that you value your child’s attempt to bring the issues to the table and that you’re open to talking about them more in the future.

Family rifts sometimes take years to heal, so don’t give up.

What do you think? Do you have any other suggestion? Did these suggestions help? Perhaps you don't agree with some of these suggestions? Feel Free to share any of your thoughts

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/

A Look Back at 2007: Stories that rocked the parenting world

Every year is challenging for parents, and 2007 didn’t disappoint, with family and child-rearing making news nearly every day.

Some of the highlights included:

Spanking Legislation. It’s not the first time a well-meaning individual sought to have the state Legislature make spanking illegal, but the outcry before November’s hearing on the latest attempt stung.

Spanking is illegal in many countries, but the citizen’s petition to outlaw this form of discipline by Massachusetts parents wasn’t given good odds of making it to the governor’s desk.

Lead in Toys. This time, it wasn’t just the cheap stuff that was found to be loaded with lead.

In 2007, even major toy makers like Mattel, which use foreign manufacturing plants, were forced to recall millions of children’s favorite toys, including models of Thomas the Tank Engine, due to lead content.

Junk Food Backlash. It was the year of the flip-flop for food makers as giants like Kellogg rushed to powder their corporate images that were tarnished by association with junk food and obesity.

Television’s Nickelodeon channel followed suit, pledging to keep its popular characters from endorsing unhealthy products.

Back to the Playground. Education experts came out strongly in favor of old-fashioned play by telling parents there are no measurable benefits derived from computer software and videos that claim to make babies more intelligent.

At the same time, Tufts University child rearing expert Dr. David Elkind published a new tome that says kids learn best through simple, unstructured play and pretending.

Suffer a Cold. Doctors and the federal Food and Drug Administration warned parents against using common over-the-counter cold medicines for children, even those marketed specifically for use by children, saying that some ingredients (labeled “DM” or “DPH”) could do more harm than good.

What do you think? Did I miss a story? Do you want to add another story?

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/

Parenting style linked with child’s fitness

Pre-schoolers may be more likely to have a higher body mass index (BMI)- an indicator of being overweight or obese when their fathers are either permissive or disengaged as parents.

Researchers from the Royal Children's Hospital, Victoria, Australia determined parenting styles of the fathers and mothers of 4,983 children

Overall, about 15% of the children were overweight and five% were obese.

The parents reported their parenting behaviour on 3 items (warmth, control and irritability) and were each categorised by the researchers as having 1 of 4 parenting styles (authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and disengaged).

The study revealed that the risk of having a higher BMI increased by 59 per cent if the children's father was classified as permissive, as opposed to an authoritative parent.

It was also found that greater paternal control was strongly associated with a decreased likelihood of the child having a higher BMI.

Also, while disengaged fathers increased this risk by 35 per cent, no similar association was found between the mothers' parenting style and their preschooler's weight.

The findings suggest that children fare best with parents who are warm, firm and authoritative at the same time. The findings appeared in a recent issue of journal Pediatrics.

What do you think? Do you agree with with these findings? Share your opinions

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/

Hotline helps in times of stress

I don't know about you, but I tend to lose patience easily when I'm overly tired. I've learned it's best to avoid loved ones on those miserable days, lest I snap at them.

But there's no avoiding my 1-year-old son. So in the past year, I've had to learn to take deep breaths and work through my shorter fuse on those days.

This can be hard. Especially around the holidays when everyday stresses are magnified and new stresses are piled on.

Since its launch in March, PAL has gotten more than 1,500 phone calls. Stressed out, depressed and lonely parents and caregivers are on the other end.

The topics covered range from colic and potty training to abuse and homelessness. I'm sure many of you are dealing with holiday chaos on this last week of the year.

So I thought these tips folks at PAL created specifically for frustrated and stressed out parents might help.Take a deep breath. Count to 10.

Imagine that with every deep breath, you are releasing anger.Give everybody a time out, including yourself.

This will give everyone a few minutes to cool off.Put your hands in your pockets or behind your back. This will prevent you from using them to threaten or hit a child.

Talk to someone you trust.Write it out. Write down everything that comes to mind, even ugly thoughts.

Then, tear it up and throw it away with your frustrations.Get safely physical. Do jumping jacks or turn on music and dance.Call the PAL line at 1-866-962-3030 or e-mail concerns at http://www.pal.ua.edu/.

Did you find did blog helpful? Do you have any other suggestions on handling stress? If so, feel free to do so!

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/