The Frustrations and Rewards of Parenting Teenagers

Most parents - whether they admit it or not - react to the onset of their child’s teenage years with either trepidation or absolute dread.

We look back to our own teenage years, and wonder how our parents lived through our fads, our raging hormones, our rebellion, and our attitudes.

There’s never a doubt that we want what’s best for our children, but what are we supposed to do when we lose our equanimity and get sucked into yet another argument about friends or clothes or the car?

Is there any hope of ever having another enjoyable family vacation?

Here are four tips to get through those teenage years.

1. Acknowledge our power. Although our teens would be loath to admit it, we still wield an enormous amount of influence over them. We may not think they’re listening to us, but they are.
During stressful times when we’re tempted to take the bait and lay down ultimatums or get into an argument, it’s important to remember that we’re still role models for our teens. The more often we take the high road, the more they’ll benefit.

2. Loosen the apron strings. It’s difficult to accept that the purpose of the teenage years is to separate and differentiate from parents.

When our teenagers begin to develop their own personal tastes and opinions, and especially when they want to be treated as adults, it’s hard to find the right balance between maintaining control and allowing them to nurture their individuality.

We have the right and the obligation to set rules and standards, but we can’t set them arbitrarily. If our teens demonstrate that they’re trustworthy, we must give them room to grow.
3. Be vigilant. It’s difficult to imagine that parenting teenagers is more difficult than parenting toddlers, but it’s true.

We may have loosened the apron strings, but that doesn’t mean we should let go.

All teenagers have secrets, and it’s our job to make sure that our teens’ secrets don’t have the potential to harm themselves or others.

That doesn’t mean snooping (trust goes both ways), but it does mean staying involved in and aware of their activities and friends.

4. Listen with our ears and our hearts. Teenagers are notoriously uncommunicative, so listening is doubly important.

This means listening both when they’re speaking and when they’re not. As the saying goes, silence can speak volumes, so it’s crucial to learn to interpret the different kinds of silence.

We also need to learn to listen by asking. This doesn’t mean hounding our teens with questions, but asking their opinions and truly hearing what they have to say - without passing judgment or correcting them.

All teens seek acceptance, and although most go through periods of feeling acceptance is lacking from their peers, we can fill in the gaps.

There’s no doubt that parenting teenagers is incredibly challenging. And the reality is that we may not see the fruits of our efforts for several years.

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in www.myhomeparent.com

Spouses Often Mirror Each Other's Health Habits

If one spouse exercises, quits smoking, stops drinking alcohol, receives a flu shot, or undergoes a cholesterol screening, the other spouse is more likely to do the same, according to a new study in Health Services Research.

"We found that when one spouse improves his or her health behavior, the other spouse was likely to do so as well," said co-author Jody Sindelar, health economist and public health professor in the Yale School of Public Health.

"This was consistent across all the behaviors analyzed and was similar among both males and females."

For example, smokers were more than 5 times more likely to quit smoking if their spouse quit, when controlling for other relevant factors.

Similarly, spouses were five times more likely to quit drinking alcohol if their partner didn't drink.

The changes were less apparent in clinician-directed preventive behavior, such as obtaining cholesterol screening.

They said attempts to change behavior may be enhanced, or thwarted, by the behavior of family members, especially spouses.

For this reason, they said, intervention programs should include tips about how to get the other spouse involved in exercise or help reduce tobacco cues.

The study was funded by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the National Institute on Aging.

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in www.myhomeparent.com

Thoughts on Parenting

Set boundaries but then sit back and be still; stop trying to make the world perfect for your kid.

In a similar vein, Miss Zoot posted on “The Non-Existent Rules in Our Home” and shared her recollection about strict parents who tried to control everything in their kids’ lives.

It seems we have many parents at extreme ends of the spectrum:

those who lack parenting skills and/or self-discipline and absolve themselves of responsibility for their kids, or those who see their children as direct reflections of themselves and therefore try to do everything for them or who live vicariously through them.

Working in a high school, I am frequently shocked at how many parents call to get information on due dates for forms, etc. that their kids need to hand in, or who call teachers to badger them about changing grades or extending deadlines.

It is amazing that we still have teachers willing to coach, because coaches receive the most unbelievable abuse from parents over issues like playing time and college recommendations.

When I handle discipline issues, many parents are quick to take the kid’s side, regardless of the circumstance, and try to prevent them from serving any consequences, even a half-hour detention.

I once had a parent immediately jump to her child’s defense over being late to first period, declaring, “He has NOT been late seven times! I am not the kind of parent who lets her kid oversleep.”

Then I read the statement her child wrote to explain why he had been late seven times: “I frequently stay up too late on Sunday nights and can’t wake up on Monday mornings.” End of discussion. This kind of thing happens on a daily basis, though.

I practically need a law degree to handle routine encounters with parents who assume the school staff has wrongly accused their child or who react to their 17 year-old’s behavior as if it were their own.

I agree with the points made by Danae Sinclair and Miss Zoot. I realize that the only way my kids will learn to be responsible is if I let them suffer the consequences of their actions when they are not.

I realize that too many rules will only stifle them and encourage them to lie to me to get around the rules, something I see happening all the time with high school students, especially those whose parents have particularly strict rules intended to postpone the reality of the world.

I’d rather my kids learn about the reality of the world from me than from friends at school or strangers on the internet.

I’d rather my kids learn to be responsible, independent, successful citizens, which won’t happen if I bail them out of every difficulty they face.

How to reduce holiday parenting stress

Step One United We Stand: Parents should make sure to be on the same page, with such issues as how much to spend for gifts, what to buy for the children;

and how to deal with/handle the extended family, relatives, in-laws, etc. during the holidays/visits.

Try to agree on reasonable bedtimes/curfews for the kids, and what is realistically within your budget in terms of spending.

Step Two Give yourself a time-out: Take time for yourself no matter how brief! Do not try to do everything at once—space yourself accordingly.

Don’t put your shopping off until the 24th, which will make it impossible for you to stop and relax now and then.

Step Three Act, Don’t React. Do not react to the inevitable stresses of the holidays. Children will often become quite excitable during the holiday season.

Parents should view this heightened activity as part of the celebration time and not react to it.

Of course, if the parents are controlling their own stress, they should have a somewhat easier time dealing with the children.

It should be noted, however, that the basic rules of the household regarding acceptable behavior should continue to be adhered to.

Step Four Pick your battles to avoid a war. Children can be more difficult during the holidays due to all the excitability, so decide what issues are really worth contending with them on.

This doesn’t mean you should let them stay up to 2 AM on Christmas Eve, but it might mean letting them stretch their regular bedtime a bit to get some cookies out for Santa.

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/

The Top 10 Tips for Communicating with Children

Most people have more training before they receive their driver’s license than before they become a parent.

Educating yourself on how to communicate effectively with your child can be the key to achieving your parenting goals.

If you do not have children of your own, these 10 tips can help you whenever you are around children.

Draw children out to speak about the things on their minds.

Verbally reflect the emotions of a child before giving in to your need to teach them something

Teach your child to wait instead of interrupting your conversations

Play little games whenever you see children

Lower yourself physically to a child’s level by sitting down, bending down, or sitting on the floor.
It may have been months since any adult has joined the child on their own level.

Hold and play with a child’s toys or trinkets.

Tell short stories to children.

Follow up on the promises that you make to children with action.

Sacrifice some of your time to interact with children and to focus on them 100%.

Master the art of Socratic questioning.

This means that instead of expressing facts or lecturing that you ask a question to stimulate the child’s own reasoning process.

Socratic questioning opens up a place in a person’s mind for the answer to be remembered.

For example, you could ask, “How do you think we could take better care of the puppy?” instead of telling your child what to do.

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/

This holiday, heal your family rifts

I know that we are not close to the holidays, but I received this letter from a mother who had been cut off by her 28-year-old daughter several years ago:

“I know there is always a chance she could come back to me, but that is a hard way to live just waiting and hoping. I pray for that every night.

Other parents are so defensive and bitter and morally outraged that you feel protective of the child who had to grow up in the home where those feelings were played out.

Many parents want their estranged child to see the situation from their perspective, but haven’t done the hard work of seeing it from the child’s.

Who wants to say, “I don’t have a picture of my grandchildren because I’ve never met my grandchildren” or “I haven’t the faintest idea how my son is because he won’t return my calls and he sends back all of my presents unopened.”

Here are some suggestions for talking with your parents about incidents that have hurt or angered you.

1. Pick a time and place that feels comfortable to you where you can talk without interruption.

2. Tell your parent(s) what you would like from the conversation: “I would like to tell you some feelings I have” or “I just want you to try to listen and not respond.”

3. If possible, begin the conversation with something you like or admire about your parent to show that your goal isn’t to humiliate them:

“I know that you really care about me ...” or “I know you worked hard to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I really appreciate that ...”

4. Put your feelings into words that don’t place blame: “I still feel very hurt for all of those years when you were physical with me.

It really made me feel like I was a bad person” or “When you talk to me in that tone of voice, it makes me feel terrible.”

5. Assume that your parents have positive intentions:

“I know you wouldn’t want me to feel this bad and that you care about our relationship” or “I know you probably want to work as hard as I do to make our relationship better than it’s been” or “I understand that you might not have known how bad that felt to me.”

6. Say what you need in order to go forward: “I just need to hear you say that you’re sorry for those years” or “I want you to call me more” or “I just need you to hear how bad that made me feel.”

To the parent:

1. If your child complains about you or your parenting, try to see that he or she may be raising these issues as a way to be closer to you, even if they are being expressed in a way that’s difficult to hear.

2. Don’t sugarcoat it if you blew it as a parent. The more honest you are, the more credibility you will gain to repair the damage:

“What you’re saying is true. I wasn’t there for you as a parent. I was too caught up in my work and my drinking, and you suffered because of it.

I can’t ever give you back those years and I feel terrible about that. I am committed to doing everything I can to make it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

3. If you find yourself feeling too upset or defensive to listen, tell them that in a gentle way: “I know what you’re telling me is really important and I’m glad you came to me with it.

It is hard for me to hear and I think I’ll be able to digest it better if I could first read it in a letter. I promise I’ll call you so we can talk about it. I hope that feels okay.”

4. Validate their reality as much as you can, even if there’s only a small part you agree with: “Yeah, I can be really impatient.

I can see how that could have come across as uncaring.” If you’re unable to agree with anything that’s being said, empathize with their feelings without telling them they’re wrong:

“I’m so sorry it came across that way. The last thing I wanted was for you to feel like I didn’t love you. That must have been awful for you.”

5. Take the initiative for talking again within a short period of time. “I wanted to check in to see how you felt about our talk last week.

I really appreciate that you told me what you’d been feeling. Have you had other thoughts about it?”

This may need to be an ongoing dialogue for a long time in order for change and healing to occur. Don’t avoid revisiting it because it’s painful territory.

Show that you want to keep talking about it until there’s resolution.

If there is no resolution, make it clear that you value your child’s attempt to bring the issues to the table and that you’re open to talking about them more in the future.

Family rifts sometimes take years to heal, so don’t give up.

What do you think? Do you have any other suggestion? Did these suggestions help? Perhaps you don't agree with some of these suggestions? Feel Free to share any of your thoughts

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/

A Look Back at 2007: Stories that rocked the parenting world

Every year is challenging for parents, and 2007 didn’t disappoint, with family and child-rearing making news nearly every day.

Some of the highlights included:

Spanking Legislation. It’s not the first time a well-meaning individual sought to have the state Legislature make spanking illegal, but the outcry before November’s hearing on the latest attempt stung.

Spanking is illegal in many countries, but the citizen’s petition to outlaw this form of discipline by Massachusetts parents wasn’t given good odds of making it to the governor’s desk.

Lead in Toys. This time, it wasn’t just the cheap stuff that was found to be loaded with lead.

In 2007, even major toy makers like Mattel, which use foreign manufacturing plants, were forced to recall millions of children’s favorite toys, including models of Thomas the Tank Engine, due to lead content.

Junk Food Backlash. It was the year of the flip-flop for food makers as giants like Kellogg rushed to powder their corporate images that were tarnished by association with junk food and obesity.

Television’s Nickelodeon channel followed suit, pledging to keep its popular characters from endorsing unhealthy products.

Back to the Playground. Education experts came out strongly in favor of old-fashioned play by telling parents there are no measurable benefits derived from computer software and videos that claim to make babies more intelligent.

At the same time, Tufts University child rearing expert Dr. David Elkind published a new tome that says kids learn best through simple, unstructured play and pretending.

Suffer a Cold. Doctors and the federal Food and Drug Administration warned parents against using common over-the-counter cold medicines for children, even those marketed specifically for use by children, saying that some ingredients (labeled “DM” or “DPH”) could do more harm than good.

What do you think? Did I miss a story? Do you want to add another story?

Alvaro Castillo has been researching on healthy parenting for many years. Check his website for more information in http://www.myhomeparent.com/